What the Bible Says about Marriage

Andrew Halsey

What the Bible Says About Marriage really is what the Bible says about marriage! Though Selvaggio limits the scope of his study to the Song of Songs and what that book has to say about marriage, romantic love, and sex, he fills in gaps by drawing from a host of other Scripture texts. The result is a book that deals very thoroughly with the Bible's teaching on the marital relationship.

Why read the book? Selvaggio says his motivation for writing the book was the inadequacies of other books on romance, marriage and sexuality. Being a pastor in a college community, he dealt with these issues regularly and wanted to present young people with biblical, theologically sound counsel that did not disconnect sex and romance from the Bible. He has accomplished his task.

What does the book say? After providing us with a chapter on the broken, sin-scarred landscape of marriage today, among believers and nonbelievers, Selvaggio provides two chapters that deal with the prerequisites of true love: maturity and purity. He points out that the mark of maturity is to know what the Bible says about choosing a spouse. He then lists traits to look for in choosing a godly spouse. Each trait is followed by a list of relevant Scripture references.

In addition to traits considered important for all Christians, Selvaggio lists out several sex-specific qualities to look for in a mate. Men should look for a woman who "displays a desire to voluntarily submit to your loving leadership" and women are told to look for "a man who has the spiritual knowledge, maturity and desire to be the spiritual leader of the home." In his discussion of purity he deals with the problem of dating relationships that rob young people of their emotional virginity. He also shows parental responsibility from the Song of Songs--parents, for example, are to appropriately guard children who display wayward tendencies before they give away their heart (and/or bodies).

After dealing with the prerequisites, Selvaggio discusses three aspects of the nature of romantic love: its exclusivity, its enduring nature and its priceless quality. Here we are warned against triangulation, including emotional adultery (coworkers, for example), recreation (as in "hunting widow"), and the danger of placing children at the center of the marriage. We are counseled to be jealous about our marriage (in the way that God is jealous for His people) and to continually cultivate romance in the marriage (yes, brothers, that means poetry, flowers and sustained eye contact).

He then moves on to four chapters on maintaining love in marriage. He encourages us to foster friendship in our marriages, to complement and compliment one another, and to enjoy sex like the Puritans (you will be pleasantly surprised to learn what that means!). He shows how sharing in the work of life is an opportunity to deepen our relationships and also commends the work of playing together. Selvaggio shies away from specifics when it comes to complementing--there is no division of labor prescribed here except that the husband clearly must be the leader. To explain what that means, he goes to John Piper's list of propositions on mature masculinity (from Recovering Biblical Manhood and Womanhood). In terms of complimenting, we are told to give attention to the areas of insecurity of our spouses and to give compliments for no pragmatic reason at all. For those of us not given to spontaneous expression he provides some helpful advice on "cultivating a complimentary relationship." His explanation of the joy and responsibility of sex in the marriage relationship is the most concise and helpful I have ever read.

The book ends by showing how knowing and loving Jesus Christ can restore marriage to the bliss that characterized it before the Fall. And, better still, we see how redeemed marriage points us forward to the bliss of meeting our Savior and enjoying the perfect love of Christ for his Bride.

My reservations are exactly that of the authors. If you can only buy one book on marriage or, if you can only buy one book on the Song of Songs, this is not it. Selvaggio admits that this is neither an exhaustive treatment of marriage nor is it a thorough commentary on the Song of Songs. The most obvious missing element is a specific focus on raising a godly seed--and I believe children should never be left out of a serious treatment of marriage. Alas! Song of Songs does not carry us to the point where the couple begins begetting. There is also nothing here on conflict resolution or financial planning--again this is beyond the scope of the Song. Nevertheless, if you need a vision of godly romance and a godly foundation for a happy relationship between a man and his wife, this is it. The content is a great mix of invaluable insight and advice--just add olive plants (Ps. 128) and serve!

Anyone who is married, anyone contemplating marriage and anyone who is responsible for young people who will one day contemplate marriage will gain from this book. Read the first few reviews on Amazon.com. Yes, these may be exaggerated and "individual results may vary," but even these reviews point out the very practical benefits of knowing what the Bible says about marriage. And I agree that Selvaggio has expressed the meaning of Song of Songs in a biblical, theologically accurate treatment that leaves us eager to apply the Word to our marriages. What the Bible Says About Marriage will be an immediate help for those with ears to hear.

Anthony Selvaggio  / Evangelical Press, 2007
Review by Andrew Halsey, Minister of First Presbyterian Church, Charleston, MS