Vlad the Taxi Driver on Orthodoxy

I have remained silent for too long.  Trueman's reactionary commendation of Bob Letham on Orthodoxy cannot go without response, so I've invited one of Transylvania's leading theologians to respond: Vlad Dracul -- no, not the medieval scourge of the Carpathian mountains who inspired Bram Stoker's bloodsucking Gothic anti-hero, but Driver no. 776452 of Impaler Cars, Oradea.  Vlad, I know you have strong feelings about Eastern Orthodoxy.  Please feel free to share them with Ref21 blog readers:

Well, guvnor, I read that book by Bob Letham and I thought it was a right load of old pony. I mean, it’s as if he’s never heard of Nirvana and Starbucks and post-evangelicalism and all that. I mean, I ‘ad that Archbishop Nikolai Nascaris in the back of my cab recently, and he was tellin’ me about how Orthodox bishops often memorize the psalms before consecration -- all of em, mind you.  Would you Adma and Eve it!!  And he confirmed ‘ow these Orthodox geezers ‘ave to read through the whole Psalter in church every week, and twice during the Great Fast. I ask you, wot a bunch of total nutters! There’s a 150 of them things, and some of em is long and 'ave complicated words in em (Actually, there are 151 in the Eastern Canon – Del-Boy)! Ain’t these Orthodox people got no ‘omes to go to?? No video games to play or mates to text message on their iPhones?? It’s a disgrace, mate, that’s wot it is. And a liturgy over a millennium and a half old? I can’t believe I’m ‘earing this!! Change or die, that’s what my mate, the Rev Dave Trendy says about these Orthodox types. I mean, I was readin’ in Dave’s latest book, Through Post-Starbucks Coffee: Eastern Post-Orthodoxy – a Revisioned Post-Cobain Perspective, foreword by Rev. Dr. David Hasselhof [Navelgazing Press, 2007] about how until the Orthodox come to terms with the death of Curt Cobain, right, and the rise of Starbucks, and then develop the ability to reenvision reality by stickin’ the epithet `post’ in front of ever other word and all that, they’re just doomed to be a declining minor sect of only approximately 160 million worldwide, with roughly 5 million in the US. I mean, don't get me wrong -- some of my best friends are Orthodox; but, frankly, they’re everywhere these days – comin’ over ‘ere, takin’ our jobs, kidnappin’ our women, eaten our babies. The government should do summat about it, and no mistake.  I mean, ‘ow do they ever expect to unite with the Church of Scotland evangelicals if they emphasise psalms in worship, eh, you answer me that one, Mr Weirdy-Beardy-High-And-Mighty–Millennium-Long-Tradition-Archimandrite, and all that?. If ‘ad a quid for every member of the Crieff Conference who told me that it woz usin’ the psalms in worship wot waz stopping the Orfodox from growing beyond a measley 160 million I’d be a…. (I think that’s enough Orthodoxy for one post – Del Boy Thomas)