The Mauss that roars

More from the agony column of The Sword in the Bowel.

Dear Nicky,

I find myself perplexed and worried and wonder if you can help me. I have applied to come under the care of a certain presbytery in a well-known conservative Presbyterian denomination. The person I spoke to on the phone at the presbytery was most helpful, saying that his committee very much enjoyed `taking care of people, didn’t they boyo’ and would welcome my application.

My concern is this. On the various occasions I have passed the presbytery committee room, I have heard blood-curdling screams emanating from within, and I am convinced that more candidates for the ministry seem to enter the committee room than ever emerge. Then there are the strange brown stains on the walls of the church, and the peculiar late-night digging sounds in the church gardens….

What do you advise?

A Concerned but Hopeful Candidate for the Ministry

Dear Concerned but Hopeful Candidate for the Ministry,

What you need is a course in contextualisation. Only then will you understand what is going on here. I recommend the book Contextualisation for Dummies, written by the Russian missionary to Scandinavia, Leonid Lipanovsky, the king of contextualisation (for readers in a USA context, read `the head of state of contextualisation:’ for superannuated rockers, read `the Elvis of contextualisation;’ for members of the Free True Reformed Covenant Presbyterian True Covenant Reformed Church (Continuing) (Montana Synod), read `the head of state of compromise’). Known by his admirers and friends as `Leni the Lap’ because of his work among the reindeer herders of the far north, he has pioneered work which explains that different linguistic units mean different things in different social contexts, as well as authoring groundbreaking investigative books on the religious convictions of the Pope, the current state of vitality of Chairman Mao, and the woodland hygiene habits of bears.

What has happened is that you have failed to contextualise the word `care.’ You have assumed that the phrase `take care of’ is always to be understood in a Doctor Quinn, Medicine Woman/Oprah Winfrey sense. In fact, the presbytery to which you refer `takes care’ of ordination candidates in a rather more Tony `the Gent’/Al Pacino kind of way, involving a liberal selection of power tools, industrial strength wall cleaners, and late night `Jimmy Hoffa Pizza Parties (Bring own shovel!)’.

My advice: move to a new context as soon as you can before this presbytery `decontextualises’ you permanently.

Yours,
Dr Mauss
PS: Don’t call me Nicky!