Nicky Mauss, Dutch Reformed Agony Aunt

Reading my good friend Rev Monious’ blog from yesterday, I thought it appropriate to bring attention to the fact that the tradition of Reformed casuistry/agony columns continues today in the work of men such as my friend, Rev Dr Nicky Mauss, the Dutch Reformed pastor of a big church in Montana. His monthly magazine, The Sword in the Bowel: A Magazine of Reformed Ecumenism, carries a regular column, `Ask the Doc.’ Here’s a recent sample:

Dear Nicky,

I am writing to you because, frankly, I have become so desperate. I am a respected minister, theologian and church leader in the USA but I have a problem: I am a Welshman, and my life is being made completely miserable by an upstart Englishman who is constantly getting the better of me on the blogsite to which both of us contribute. He is so sharp, witty, sophisticated and (to be honest) so quintesseintially James Bond-esque that I am left constantly depressed, haunted by multiple insecurities and feelings of inferiority.

Please can you help me. I am truly desperate.

Yours,

Del-Boy Thomas

Dear Del-Boy,

What a sordid and heart-breaking story! Is this not a tragedy to behold! To have come so close to being born an Englishman and to have fallen so tragically far short! No wonder you find your life to be a burden, haunted by darkness and inferiority. Yet let us see if there is not some light to be found in all this darkness.

First, while there is, as yet, no known cure for Welshness, you should not be too discouraged. You are not alone. Many people from nations such as yours experience feelings of massive inferiority and confusion when they encounter sophisticated people from interesting countries and cultures. So do not panic: your story is far from unique.

Second, the World Health Organisation has reported some encouraging results with regard to an experimental therapy which it has been conducting with selected Canadians. When faced with interesting people, these Canadians, immediately tormented by feelings of cultural inadequacy, have been encouraged to divert the conversation towards Canada’s significant contributions to world culture, such as Steppenwolf, Molsen Light Beer, and (for the most ambitiously artsy and sophisticated) the cinematic and literary oeuvre of Canada’s greatest thespian and author, William Shatner. In doing so, they have experienced some temporary but genuine relief from feelings of national inferiority, and have been able to conduct lives of limited but nonetheless genuine happiness.

Thus, the next time you encounter your sophisticated, witty and (let’s not deny it) James Bond-esque English friend, you should try to move the conversation towards the many great Welsh contributions to world culture, such as – umm, err, hmmm, err, mmmm – well, I’m sure, given enough time, you’ll be able to think of something. Druids or Tom Jones, perhaps?

What’s new pussycat?!?,

Nicholas

PS: Don’t call me Nicky!